Judas is a carrot

Obrazek użytkownika Colas Bregnon
Humor i satyra

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

There it is, through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Iscarrot. Judas was so evil that they named a vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

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Komentarze

Panie Colas, przeca umie Pan po polsku pisac...po co sie Pan wyglupia ?

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Zbyszek Lowcakangurow

#45879

Colas Bregnon
Jest orginalnie w języku Wielkiego Wiliama, który, nota bene prędzej, czy później będzie musiał znać każdy Polak nawet taki co trzy lata w pierwszej klasie powszechniaka siedział.
Ale jeżeli DZIESIĘCIU CZYTELNIKÓW NAPISZE NA TYM PORTALU ŻE
SIĘ WYGŁUPIAM TO USUNĘ TEN POST.
I liczę na wzajemność, jak nikt nie napisze to Pan, Panie Myśliwy usunie swój. Stoi?
Darz Bór
Colas Bregnon
PS. Stare przysłowie mówi: Człowiek, który zna dwa języki wart jest dwoch ludzi. Ja znam 5, w tym trzy płynnie w mowie i w pismie. Dicte.

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Colas Bregnon

#45896

Panie Colasie...przepraszam i nawet chcialbym usunac ten moj, jak sie okazuje nie na miejscu komentarz, ale nie wiem jak to sie robi. Zastanawiam sie tylko czy aby szwaby pozwola na to, aby podlegly im lud priwislinski mowil w jezyku Williama. Dla tych s...synow jezyk Johanna Wolfganga von Goethego jest chyba duzo, duzo wazniejszy, co chcieli juz udowodnic w czasie II WS...

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Zbyszek Lowcakangurow

#46185

Colas Bregnon
Ja myślę żeśmy zabrnęli już za daleko, cały Świat mówi już po angielsku. Nawet Szkopy się uczą.
Powiem Panu historyjkę.
Kiedyś w Dominikanie w "ośrodku wczasów pracowniczych" spotkałem cała kupę Nadludzi z IIII Rzeszy.
Taka troszkę hołota "made in Germany", bo tylko taka na ogół wizytuje Dominikanę.
Tam była zasada że zakład wczasowy pozwala chlać za frajer od 1000 do 2100. Jeden z nadludzi przesadził zemgliło drania i puścił pawia do basenu kąpielowego, nawet dużego.
No to była draka na 24 fajerki i nordyckiemu blondynowi
kazali zabulić za czyszczenie 5 patyków w zielonych.
A on pogadał z kim trzeba i mu oblecieli na 3. A dlaczego?
Bo znał angielski i się dogadał. Z tego wniosek niezbity: NALEŻY UCZYĆ SIĘ JĘZYKÓW OBCYCH.

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Colas Bregnon

#46224

ja tez tak uwazam i nawet po 68 roku rozpoczalem nauke jezyka francuskiego jako drugiego po angielskim. Niestety ale wladze naszej uczelni w Krakowie juz po paru miesiacach szybko sie z tej niepoprawnosci politycznej otrzasnely, przywracajac ruski jako pierwszy i obowiazkowy. Oj Boze... jak ja tego kacapskiego jezyka nienawidzilem i to juz w poczatkach mojej udukacji. Musialem dokonac szybkiego wyboru i na drugi szczesliwie wybralem angielski, ktorym to posluguje sie juz od 27 lat jako obywatel antypodow... No i przydalo sie....

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Zbyszek Lowcakangurow

#46310